OK...almost a week ago I went to see a new internist.
She. Is. Awesome.
My new doctor must have sat and visited me for at least 30 minutes. She did not try to analyze my neuropsychoses, she validated my feelings and, despite confessing that she is not a specialist in psychology, started me on a SNRI (selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor). She does want me to see a shrink within the Scott and White system because that is not her area of expertise and she wants to make sure that I am on the correct pharmaceutical regimen. So...I started on Effexor XR last Tuesday. Today is Sunday and I feel like I am finally back. I'm not exactly normal, but it's like I'm trying to rejoin the human race.
Last Friday, John and I had plans to go out to a local bar to see a concert. We (I) had made similar plans many times during the last six or so months but it was always I who backed out with excuses..."I'm too tired" or "I just don't want to go." Basically, I had no joy in going out, and those who know me best know that I LOVE to go out to live music events! It has been so insanely sad to me that I just could not make myself go. So after dressing and primping and getting into the car to head out to my friend Weezy's house, I realized that I was FINALLY doing it! I was in the car and I was excited to be heading out to a very crowded show! We met up with our friends, we had a huge time, Cody Johnson was electrifying, his fiddle player, Jody Bartula (who was Joey's fiddle teacher for a few months) rocked it out, and Kyle Park was equally covered in awesomesauce (at least I think he was...I told you we had a lot of fun!! And by fun I mean Tito's and Shiner...and somehow I ended up with a little bit of a black eye, but that's another foggy story).
That of course leads me to Saturday which was a little bit rough but I was still on the happy high of going out and having a blast. Truly, the end-all hangover from Hell would be a small price to pay for the opportunity to go out and have fun!! For the last few months I really believed that I would never, ever, have that kind of free-spirited good time again. Today (Sunday) I was able to accomplish more in the terms of housework and mundane things than I think I have in almost a year.
I'm not saying that I'm entirely out of the dark woods of depression but I am noticing a huge difference. If there is anyone out there who is feeling like no one will listen and they cannot get help for depression...please, please, please do not give up. Keep looking for a physician whom will help you! Do not be afraid of being a "doctor shopper." Be an advocate for yourself, keep searching for someone who is not afraid to help you and never be afraid of telling the truth. I have found that sharing the burden of this battle with depression has given confidence. In no way do I want to become an advocate for depression awareness, but when you are in the midst of a depressive episode, it is the loneliest and darkest place that a person can ever be. I did not realize this, but my closest friends knew that something was going on with me. They had a suspicion that I was depressed but they just did not know how to approach me. I had never talked about this ongoing challenge openly. I was ashamed, like it was a personal weakness that I should be able to conquer on my own (ugh! Hubris is a horrid character trait). I have received so much support from my friends and family. It is truly humbling. I think that by publicly acknowledging my fight with depression I removed the invisible wall of denial that I have been hiding behind for so many years. It's out there now...everyone knows...the secret is moot.
So that is where I'm at. I love each and every once of my friends and family whom have offered their support over the last week. I feel like I've turned a major corner in a positive direction. I'm ready to start living again.
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