So...my first true blog post isn't going to be all fun, rainbows and unicorns. It is about my last (and currently ongoing) stumble into clinical depression. Truthfully, I've had all about all I can to hold myself together to keep drawing breath into my lungs, much less go out and catch some live music. That is what depression does to a body. It doesn't matter if you have the best fucking life that can ever be imagined by the poorest of the poor...if you are stuck in the black vortex of clinical depression it is as if the salt of the world is drained from your existence and everything...EVERYTHING...exists in various shades of gray. The sun doesn't shine. Birds don't sing. All food tastes exactly the same. The darkness of night is the blackest of all blacks. Being awake feels the same as when you are asleep. You actually feel the world moving past you at a faster speed, almost as if you are trapped in some kind of a parallel universe where the depressed individual (me) is stuck in the bottom of an emotional hole that can't be seen, only experienced, and there is no obvious way to get out.
This is not a new experience for me. I've battled this for most of my life. Prior episodes, I would just be able to retreat into myself until this gloom lifted. recently it has become much harder to do this since I am now an adult, wife, and mother. This past summer I sought help from my physician. I asked her if I could try one of the new medications that have had promising results when added to an existing SSRI. She hemmed and hawed, refused to prescribe the medication for me, and made me go to a psychiatrist. Now, I went to the shrink...hoping(!!) that maybe my problem really was "in my head" but I found it to be a disappointing experience. In the four or five appointments (that were all taped...better to be picked apart by psych students in future classes) he had diagnosed my problems as poor self-esteem (no shit?!?!) that stemmed from a volatile relationship with my mother (Really, Einstein? What a fucking genius.) And a overwhelming sense of powerlessness and lack of control in my future (Really, dude? You went to college to tell me that?). He them talked me through these exercises where I was to fantasize about killing my mother (or husband, or child, or whomever he thought may be the source of my poor self-esteem) and then yell at the bodies and tell them how wronged I felt. Once I did that then I was to "put the bodies back together and bury them in a loving manner"...double-you, tee, eff?? This is supposed to make me feel more powerful and in control? Are you fucking serious?? All it made me feel was guilty and worse about myself that I could even entertain the thought of hurting the people that I love. (Now that I think about it, perhaps that is what the head-shrink in Afghanistan told those Marines to visualize pissing on dead Taliban because they were pissed at them for killing their buddies...and so they did, but did it only in real life...hmmmm, interesting.) Anyhow, I told the shrink multiple times that I was not comfortable with his technique and he brushed off my concerns so I made up some shit about being a MaMa Grizzly and tearing someone to pieces just to get him off my ass (I told him it was my husband but I was imagining HIM. Last laugh: me.) and I didn't go back. He also didn't adjust my medication. Douchnozzle.
The bottom line is that I know I'm not perfect. I know my life doesn't suck. I may not have had the perfect "Brady Bunch" home life growing up, but who does?? Life is hard for everyone. I don't think that I have any unrealistic expectations about what my life SHOULD be...it is what it is. Sure, I would like some things to be different but I can't change that. My feelings are not a result of a pity-party. This depression is an all-encompassing feeling of sadness and an overwhelming desire to find a corner, curl up in a ball, crying, and hiding. I don't want a magic lamp and genie to grant me all my wishes. That wouldn't make this sadness disappear.
What I DO WANT is this black cloud of despair to leave me the fuck alone!!! I want to be able to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I want to be able to get dressed without feeling like I have to get myself amped up as if I'm going to run a marathon. I want to be able to enjoy time with my son and not be afraid to fly off the handle at any moment. I want to be able to be a productive partner in my marriage. I want to be able to look forward to something...anything. I'm not a moron when it comes to medicine. I'm a nurse and I'm very familiar with the risks/benefits of medication. I also know that long term clinical depression is a disorder where there is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's NOT psychological...it's a physiological condition that manifests as a psychological condition and if given enough time the psychological component may overshadow the physiological aspects.
So this is where I've been at for the last few months. There have been some bright spots where I've felt that maybe I'm coming out of it but all have been frustratingly fleeting...a mere glimpse at normalcy. I'm again looking for a new doctor. This one I have found is older than the last one (who was out of med school and her residency for 4 years) and specializes in women's health. Until then I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep drawing breath. If I stop doing those two things then the black vortex has won.
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